Well here we are in 2012. It just turned the year of the Dragon here in Calgary one hour ago. A new year; we all get to start over. At the turn of a year not that long ago I made a life-changing decision; to come out of the bipolar closet at work.
No more telling my boss that I “have a migraine” when my brain chemicals are so scrambled that I can’t string a sentence together. Trying to work would be slightly less difficult than finally getting that Jell-O firmly affixed to that tree. No siree! No more lying and apologizing because I drew a genetic straw and my brain operates about as well as a diabetic’s pancreas.
The response was amazingly supportive! “No problem. I understand. No one would judge you if it was epilepsy. You just tell me what you need.”
After the shock wore off and I got through patting myself on the back for striking a blow for mental illness sufferers everywhere, a new issue that had been lurking around the corner leaped out to greet me; hyper concern.
At what point are we allowed to scream I AM NOT A CHINA TEACUP FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!!
I mean support and concern are great but I’m not a mental invalid! “So how’re you doing?” is a perfectly normal question. But when it is said with that telling tilt of the head and tone of voice that accompanies the unspoken “Have you spoken to any furniture, seen any dancing dragons or tried to bathe with the toaster recently?” I just want to scream. Either that or answer with “The voices are telling me to sharpen the knives but other than that I’m good. You?”
So it looks like this New Year will have to bring about a new life-changing decision. Time to let you folks know that just because I’m bipolar, that doesn’t mean that that is ALL I am. What am I? I’m just fine thank you.
Monday, January 23, 2012
Monday, July 19, 2010
Of Ghosts and Myths
This is an article that I recently wrote for the "Heritage Park Post". Since my last two posts seem to have scared the fertilizer out of a few people who are now convinced that I'm totally unstable, here's one that is just FUN!
Of Ghosts and Myths
Fact to myth. This is the road that many tales travel. From time to time, it is necessary to reclaim the facts from the myths. Of course myths will occasionally become quite annoyed at this and decide to fight back.
The Prince House is considered by many to be Heritage Park’s resident haunted house. That stately old brick mansion built by Peter Prince in 1894 and moved to Heritage Park in 1967 has played many roles during its long life. It has been a private home, a rooming house, a museum exhibit, a movie set and a classroom. And yes, it has played host to a few unexplained phenomena. Unfortunately, along the way, some of those factual accounts have become myths.
Yes it is true that Peter Prince married four times. His first wife Marguerite died of diabetes in 1898; only 4 four years after the Queen Anne style home was built. In 1900, within two years of Marguerite’s death, Prince married for the second time. Emma would die of tuberculosis only two years after her marriage. Marrying his third wife Rosa in1903, Prince would lose her to cancer in 1907. Prince’s fourth wife, Emily would outlive her husband by over twenty years. Her daughter Nora by a previous marriage lived in the home until her own death in 1965.
Legend has it that while Emma was suffering from tuberculosis, she was confined alone to the third floor of the house. Her tragic death coupled with her isolation has supposedly produced a restless spirit that resides on the third floor to this day. Unlikely. Even back in 1901, the virulent nature of tuberculosis was well known. To avoid infecting the rest of the household, it is far more likely that Emma ended her days in Calgary’s old contagion hospital in Inglewood.
The Lady in White is probably the Prince House’s most famous ghost. Seen by many people, this lady has been seen in the second floor nursery tending a baby. She is reported to be dressed in a long white dress of flowing fabric with a high lace collar which would seem to be period appropriate. Legend has this White Lady variously cast as any one of the four Mrs. Princes or even Peter’s daughter Rosanna. Unlikely. No babies were ever raised in the Prince House. Prince’s children were grown and on their own when the house was built.
An examination of the myths attempts to reclaim the facts but darn it all...the myths fight back! Just because it is unlikely that Emma died in the home doesn’t mean that no one did. This is still the era when doctors saw patients at home and family members provided the day to day nursing care; Prince did indeed have grandchildren who were babies when the house was built. We have no way of knowing if any specific individual died in or haunts the Prince House (obituaries are unclear) but there are enough documented occurrences of unexplained phenomena in the Prince House to make even the most skeptical person wonder.
In late October 2009, the Prince House was opened for a special evening program. The staff and volunteers who experienced a few interesting phenomena while they were waiting for guests.
“Theresa”, a volunteer during the event described the following experience that occurred on Thursday 29 October 2009.
“I would sit in the 2nd floor nursery and wait until the storytellers were outside. The room was dark but still lit by the gaslights outside. I had placed a small battery lantern on a chaise just below the window…As I sat at a table by the window and waited, something caught my eye. I turned towards the door and jumped. On the wall in a small alcove by the door I saw the shadow of a woman with her hair up, sitting in a chair. I was taken quite aback until I “realized” that it was my own shadow.
Laughing at myself I turned back to the window to watch the group outside. Eventually I stood up, turned off the lantern and made ready to leave. I turned back towards the door and suddenly froze. Even though the lantern was out and I was now standing facing the door, the shadow hadn't moved. I was shocked! When I finally regained my composure, I calmly turned, picked up the lantern and ran out the door! I locked it and ran into the dark creepy attic with great relief!!”
Heritage Park Staff member “Barb” took a writer and paranormal investigator into the Prince House on Thursday 22 October 2009.
“Throughout the visit the writer carried a small digital recording device with him, which he wore on his coat to record everything.
We started talking about a portrait that I remembered seeing in the house of a little girl, so we all got up and started looking for the portrait. It wasn’t there anymore, but through the glass of one of the bedrooms we noticed a picture that seemed to be completely black. We were trying to decipher what the picture was, and soon realized it was a mother bent over a baby. As we stood discussing it, the recorder started flickering and beeping intensely” While on the second floor the tape recorder “beeped, flickered and shut off”, several times but Barb relayed that it worked perfectly well on the first floor when asking the same questions of the house.
Fact becomes myth and even after the facts are distilled and presented, the myth will remain. Many come to the Prince House seeking not history but instead stories and legends. Our interpreters try and communicate both to our visitors. Personally, I take some comfort in the fact that this grand old house still has a few mysteries left to discover.
Of Ghosts and Myths
Fact to myth. This is the road that many tales travel. From time to time, it is necessary to reclaim the facts from the myths. Of course myths will occasionally become quite annoyed at this and decide to fight back.
The Prince House is considered by many to be Heritage Park’s resident haunted house. That stately old brick mansion built by Peter Prince in 1894 and moved to Heritage Park in 1967 has played many roles during its long life. It has been a private home, a rooming house, a museum exhibit, a movie set and a classroom. And yes, it has played host to a few unexplained phenomena. Unfortunately, along the way, some of those factual accounts have become myths.
Yes it is true that Peter Prince married four times. His first wife Marguerite died of diabetes in 1898; only 4 four years after the Queen Anne style home was built. In 1900, within two years of Marguerite’s death, Prince married for the second time. Emma would die of tuberculosis only two years after her marriage. Marrying his third wife Rosa in1903, Prince would lose her to cancer in 1907. Prince’s fourth wife, Emily would outlive her husband by over twenty years. Her daughter Nora by a previous marriage lived in the home until her own death in 1965.
Legend has it that while Emma was suffering from tuberculosis, she was confined alone to the third floor of the house. Her tragic death coupled with her isolation has supposedly produced a restless spirit that resides on the third floor to this day. Unlikely. Even back in 1901, the virulent nature of tuberculosis was well known. To avoid infecting the rest of the household, it is far more likely that Emma ended her days in Calgary’s old contagion hospital in Inglewood.
The Lady in White is probably the Prince House’s most famous ghost. Seen by many people, this lady has been seen in the second floor nursery tending a baby. She is reported to be dressed in a long white dress of flowing fabric with a high lace collar which would seem to be period appropriate. Legend has this White Lady variously cast as any one of the four Mrs. Princes or even Peter’s daughter Rosanna. Unlikely. No babies were ever raised in the Prince House. Prince’s children were grown and on their own when the house was built.
An examination of the myths attempts to reclaim the facts but darn it all...the myths fight back! Just because it is unlikely that Emma died in the home doesn’t mean that no one did. This is still the era when doctors saw patients at home and family members provided the day to day nursing care; Prince did indeed have grandchildren who were babies when the house was built. We have no way of knowing if any specific individual died in or haunts the Prince House (obituaries are unclear) but there are enough documented occurrences of unexplained phenomena in the Prince House to make even the most skeptical person wonder.
In late October 2009, the Prince House was opened for a special evening program. The staff and volunteers who experienced a few interesting phenomena while they were waiting for guests.
“Theresa”, a volunteer during the event described the following experience that occurred on Thursday 29 October 2009.
“I would sit in the 2nd floor nursery and wait until the storytellers were outside. The room was dark but still lit by the gaslights outside. I had placed a small battery lantern on a chaise just below the window…As I sat at a table by the window and waited, something caught my eye. I turned towards the door and jumped. On the wall in a small alcove by the door I saw the shadow of a woman with her hair up, sitting in a chair. I was taken quite aback until I “realized” that it was my own shadow.
Laughing at myself I turned back to the window to watch the group outside. Eventually I stood up, turned off the lantern and made ready to leave. I turned back towards the door and suddenly froze. Even though the lantern was out and I was now standing facing the door, the shadow hadn't moved. I was shocked! When I finally regained my composure, I calmly turned, picked up the lantern and ran out the door! I locked it and ran into the dark creepy attic with great relief!!”
Heritage Park Staff member “Barb” took a writer and paranormal investigator into the Prince House on Thursday 22 October 2009.
“Throughout the visit the writer carried a small digital recording device with him, which he wore on his coat to record everything.
We started talking about a portrait that I remembered seeing in the house of a little girl, so we all got up and started looking for the portrait. It wasn’t there anymore, but through the glass of one of the bedrooms we noticed a picture that seemed to be completely black. We were trying to decipher what the picture was, and soon realized it was a mother bent over a baby. As we stood discussing it, the recorder started flickering and beeping intensely” While on the second floor the tape recorder “beeped, flickered and shut off”, several times but Barb relayed that it worked perfectly well on the first floor when asking the same questions of the house.
Fact becomes myth and even after the facts are distilled and presented, the myth will remain. Many come to the Prince House seeking not history but instead stories and legends. Our interpreters try and communicate both to our visitors. Personally, I take some comfort in the fact that this grand old house still has a few mysteries left to discover.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Who?
Recently, I asked a friend a seemingly simple but infinitely complex question.
Unfortunately, a recent down swing had caused me to revert to something that I had not done in years; I cut myself last week. Oh they were little more than scratches (a week later and they are almost healed) but still...the dark tunnel was feeling very long and the light at the end sounded like an oncoming train.
I found myself showing the friend the cut marks. The friend looked shocked and a little horrified. "You knifed yourself? No. You shouldn't do that. No matter what happens, there are better ways. You should talk to someone when things get that bad."
My response..."Who?"
That one syllable opened a world of speculation. Who indeed? Who does any of us really have in this world that can understand?
To illustrate, this friend then asked what it was that was causing the world to seem so horrible that I had to answer it with self-mutilation. Once again, I had two choices, try to explain the truth or do what so many of us bipolar sufferers must do and lie...give them a concrete reason that they (and that perhaps we) can relate to. I opted for the truth.
In my last post, I attempted to explain the concept of a pain that is 100% INTERNAL. The poets of the world are now going to hate me but...all emotion is the result of chemical reactions in the brain that are responses to external stimuli. Love, hate, sorrow, joy, anger, contentment...ALL of them. Something happens, it stimulates the brain to produce the right chemical reaction and BOOM you fall in love, have a temper tantrum, cry for an hour, throw a punch...whatever.
The bipolar sufferer's brain will have those chemical reactions WITHOUT THE EXTERNAL STIMULI!!! Think of it as being on a drug. People on cocaine will feel euphoric. The drug is affecting the brain chemicals to produce an artificial emotional state. We all know that guy who gets angry and belligerent when he drinks. Again, the drug is affecting his brain chemicals to produce an artificial emotional state. We also know the girl who gets moody and emo when she drinks…or her friend who gets happy and giggly when she drinks. Whatever the drug and the subsequent reaction, the drug is affecting the brain chemicals to produce an artificial emotional state.
Bipolar sufferers don't HAVE to take a drug. Our brains do that all by themselves; which makes it NO surprise at all that many bipolar sufferers also abuse drugs...but that's a topic for another time.
I attempted to explain all of this to my friend, and though I could tell that they truly sympathized, I'm not sure that they truly understood either. And therein lies the problem...to whom can we speak?
My family? It would probably just scare the hell out of them.
Friends? Unfortunately they spend most of their time trying to "cheer you up". Trust me guys; trying to "cheer up" a bipolar sufferer is slightly less difficult then trying to hold the ocean back with a broom. It's not that we want to remain in our black mood. The problem is that our brain chemicals will trump any external “cheering up” stimuli that you may have.
Shrink? Councilors? Talk therapy groups? These are possibilities and different people will have different experiences and success levels.
So to whom can we speak ? I have no magic answer. All I can tell you is this. It would be a nice treat to speak to someone who understands both the sufferer AND the disease. At the end of the day would you really like to know how to help your bipolar friend?
HA! You thought I was going to say “Just listen to them and be there for them.” Nope. Oh that will help but the absolute kindest thing that you can do?
LEARN all you can about this disorder!! Do that and the rest will follow naturally.
Unfortunately, a recent down swing had caused me to revert to something that I had not done in years; I cut myself last week. Oh they were little more than scratches (a week later and they are almost healed) but still...the dark tunnel was feeling very long and the light at the end sounded like an oncoming train.
I found myself showing the friend the cut marks. The friend looked shocked and a little horrified. "You knifed yourself? No. You shouldn't do that. No matter what happens, there are better ways. You should talk to someone when things get that bad."
My response..."Who?"
That one syllable opened a world of speculation. Who indeed? Who does any of us really have in this world that can understand?
To illustrate, this friend then asked what it was that was causing the world to seem so horrible that I had to answer it with self-mutilation. Once again, I had two choices, try to explain the truth or do what so many of us bipolar sufferers must do and lie...give them a concrete reason that they (and that perhaps we) can relate to. I opted for the truth.
In my last post, I attempted to explain the concept of a pain that is 100% INTERNAL. The poets of the world are now going to hate me but...all emotion is the result of chemical reactions in the brain that are responses to external stimuli. Love, hate, sorrow, joy, anger, contentment...ALL of them. Something happens, it stimulates the brain to produce the right chemical reaction and BOOM you fall in love, have a temper tantrum, cry for an hour, throw a punch...whatever.
The bipolar sufferer's brain will have those chemical reactions WITHOUT THE EXTERNAL STIMULI!!! Think of it as being on a drug. People on cocaine will feel euphoric. The drug is affecting the brain chemicals to produce an artificial emotional state. We all know that guy who gets angry and belligerent when he drinks. Again, the drug is affecting his brain chemicals to produce an artificial emotional state. We also know the girl who gets moody and emo when she drinks…or her friend who gets happy and giggly when she drinks. Whatever the drug and the subsequent reaction, the drug is affecting the brain chemicals to produce an artificial emotional state.
Bipolar sufferers don't HAVE to take a drug. Our brains do that all by themselves; which makes it NO surprise at all that many bipolar sufferers also abuse drugs...but that's a topic for another time.
I attempted to explain all of this to my friend, and though I could tell that they truly sympathized, I'm not sure that they truly understood either. And therein lies the problem...to whom can we speak?
My family? It would probably just scare the hell out of them.
Friends? Unfortunately they spend most of their time trying to "cheer you up". Trust me guys; trying to "cheer up" a bipolar sufferer is slightly less difficult then trying to hold the ocean back with a broom. It's not that we want to remain in our black mood. The problem is that our brain chemicals will trump any external “cheering up” stimuli that you may have.
Shrink? Councilors? Talk therapy groups? These are possibilities and different people will have different experiences and success levels.
So to whom can we speak ? I have no magic answer. All I can tell you is this. It would be a nice treat to speak to someone who understands both the sufferer AND the disease. At the end of the day would you really like to know how to help your bipolar friend?
HA! You thought I was going to say “Just listen to them and be there for them.” Nope. Oh that will help but the absolute kindest thing that you can do?
LEARN all you can about this disorder!! Do that and the rest will follow naturally.
Monday, July 12, 2010
What is bipolar disorder?
What is bipolar disorder?
It’s easy enough to find the actual physical definition.
“Bipolar disorder involves periods of excitability (mania) alternating with periods of depression. The disorder results from chemical disturbances in the areas of the brain that regulate mood.”
It sounds simple enough. A chemical imbalance in the brain causes the bipolar sufferer to experience mood swings. Big deal. Everyone has mood swings; we all get depressed. Doesn’t really SOUND too bad; so why all the fuss?
I have bipolar disorder. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.
For the bipolar sufferer, the low swing or "depressive episode" as it's sometimes called isn't just "the blues". I can only speak from my own experience but for me, it starts out that way. Then comes the anxiety. I feel constantly jumpy. Sounds that wouldn’t usually bother me will make me jump like a nervous cat. My temper gets short. I’ll snap at people for no reason. But I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.
Again, everyone gets like this from time to time; it’s normal. Maybe a good night’s sleep or a day off will do the trick. But it doesn’t. I may sleep for 3 hours or I may sleep for 16. Either way, I do not feel rested. Concentrating is extremely difficult. It’s almost like being drunk. The mind feels foggy; I will actually forget the meanings of words. You know that “tip of your tongue” feeling when trying to remember something? I will experience that constantly for days. But I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.
Then it’s time for the place I call “the dark tunnel”. There is no joy in ANYTHING!! Favorite foods have no flavour. Favorite activities are chores. I have had to act during a bipolar low swing and all I can think of is “Let’s get this OVER WITH so I can go home!!” I would rather perform than do anything else in this world but the chemical imbalance in my brain causes me to hate my greatest love.
No one can come into the dark tunnel. I will screw a smile on my face and go through the motions of life. Yes friends and family know that I’m bipolar and I will tell them that I’m on a down swing; but they can’t come into the tunnel. They don’t understand it. They have no chemical imbalance in their brain.
The dark tunnel is nothing but pain. Unceasing pain. We have all experienced loss. Right now, try and remember the most pain that you were ever in. After the death of a loved one, a time when your heart was shattered by a cheating lover. Go to that dark and painful place. That is the beginning of the dark tunnel.
There is however a very important difference between that and the dark tunnel; a source. Many humans have cried “Why did you cheat on me?!” “Why did you die?!” as they experience emotional pain that can be debilitating and profound. But those situations have a source; a concrete cause to explain the effect of the pain.
The bipolar sufferer has no cause to explain the effect. The best that we can come up with is “I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.” So we have to experience a pain that is not only debilitating and profound but also confusing. I and many other bipolar sufferers have self-mutilated our bodies in a vain effort to find that cause and effect. “I am experiencing a pain that I cannot describe or justify. That knife cut on my arm hurts but I know WHY it hurts. THAT pain has nothing to do with a chemical imbalance in my brain.”
The bipolar sufferer also has to hide his/her pain. How can I call in sick and say “I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.”? How can I explain to well meaning friends who ask “what’s wrong?” that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. There’s nothing stressing me out, nothing has happened, I simply have a chemical imbalance in my brain.
I’m incredibly lucky. My chemical imbalance is manageable. I can tell when a downswing is coming and I can recognize it for what it is. Even though I have planned my suicide a hundred times and cut my arms hundreds more, I KNOW that the dark tunnel ends. I will come out and experience joy again.
If you know someone who is bipolar, you may not understand their pain but you don’t have to. Understand simply that it is real and that they don’t understand it.
They have a chemical imbalance in their brain.
It’s easy enough to find the actual physical definition.
“Bipolar disorder involves periods of excitability (mania) alternating with periods of depression. The disorder results from chemical disturbances in the areas of the brain that regulate mood.”
It sounds simple enough. A chemical imbalance in the brain causes the bipolar sufferer to experience mood swings. Big deal. Everyone has mood swings; we all get depressed. Doesn’t really SOUND too bad; so why all the fuss?
I have bipolar disorder. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.
For the bipolar sufferer, the low swing or "depressive episode" as it's sometimes called isn't just "the blues". I can only speak from my own experience but for me, it starts out that way. Then comes the anxiety. I feel constantly jumpy. Sounds that wouldn’t usually bother me will make me jump like a nervous cat. My temper gets short. I’ll snap at people for no reason. But I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.
Again, everyone gets like this from time to time; it’s normal. Maybe a good night’s sleep or a day off will do the trick. But it doesn’t. I may sleep for 3 hours or I may sleep for 16. Either way, I do not feel rested. Concentrating is extremely difficult. It’s almost like being drunk. The mind feels foggy; I will actually forget the meanings of words. You know that “tip of your tongue” feeling when trying to remember something? I will experience that constantly for days. But I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.
Then it’s time for the place I call “the dark tunnel”. There is no joy in ANYTHING!! Favorite foods have no flavour. Favorite activities are chores. I have had to act during a bipolar low swing and all I can think of is “Let’s get this OVER WITH so I can go home!!” I would rather perform than do anything else in this world but the chemical imbalance in my brain causes me to hate my greatest love.
No one can come into the dark tunnel. I will screw a smile on my face and go through the motions of life. Yes friends and family know that I’m bipolar and I will tell them that I’m on a down swing; but they can’t come into the tunnel. They don’t understand it. They have no chemical imbalance in their brain.
The dark tunnel is nothing but pain. Unceasing pain. We have all experienced loss. Right now, try and remember the most pain that you were ever in. After the death of a loved one, a time when your heart was shattered by a cheating lover. Go to that dark and painful place. That is the beginning of the dark tunnel.
There is however a very important difference between that and the dark tunnel; a source. Many humans have cried “Why did you cheat on me?!” “Why did you die?!” as they experience emotional pain that can be debilitating and profound. But those situations have a source; a concrete cause to explain the effect of the pain.
The bipolar sufferer has no cause to explain the effect. The best that we can come up with is “I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.” So we have to experience a pain that is not only debilitating and profound but also confusing. I and many other bipolar sufferers have self-mutilated our bodies in a vain effort to find that cause and effect. “I am experiencing a pain that I cannot describe or justify. That knife cut on my arm hurts but I know WHY it hurts. THAT pain has nothing to do with a chemical imbalance in my brain.”
The bipolar sufferer also has to hide his/her pain. How can I call in sick and say “I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.”? How can I explain to well meaning friends who ask “what’s wrong?” that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. There’s nothing stressing me out, nothing has happened, I simply have a chemical imbalance in my brain.
I’m incredibly lucky. My chemical imbalance is manageable. I can tell when a downswing is coming and I can recognize it for what it is. Even though I have planned my suicide a hundred times and cut my arms hundreds more, I KNOW that the dark tunnel ends. I will come out and experience joy again.
If you know someone who is bipolar, you may not understand their pain but you don’t have to. Understand simply that it is real and that they don’t understand it.
They have a chemical imbalance in their brain.
Welcome
Welcome to my blog!
The primary reason for this thing is to discuss mental illness...hence the title.
After almost a decade of living with bipolar disorder, I'm "coming out of the closet" as it were. Oh there are people who know that I have it, but not one of those people REALLY knows what I go through. I've never had the courage to tell anyone; always afraid that they'd think I was "dumping" on them or worse, that I was being an attention seeker.
I've created this thing to try and express through creative writing (both fiction and non-fiction) exactly what it is like living with this disease. I am hoping that this blog will become both a vehicle for education and a place where I can "shout from the rooftops" some stuff that I've wanted to shout for years. Of course it is entirely possible that it will become a forum for mastabatory crap...but what the hell...it's my blog.
Are you seated comfortably? Then we'll begin.
The primary reason for this thing is to discuss mental illness...hence the title.
After almost a decade of living with bipolar disorder, I'm "coming out of the closet" as it were. Oh there are people who know that I have it, but not one of those people REALLY knows what I go through. I've never had the courage to tell anyone; always afraid that they'd think I was "dumping" on them or worse, that I was being an attention seeker.
I've created this thing to try and express through creative writing (both fiction and non-fiction) exactly what it is like living with this disease. I am hoping that this blog will become both a vehicle for education and a place where I can "shout from the rooftops" some stuff that I've wanted to shout for years. Of course it is entirely possible that it will become a forum for mastabatory crap...but what the hell...it's my blog.
Are you seated comfortably? Then we'll begin.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)