What is bipolar disorder?

What is bipolar disorder?

It’s easy enough to find the actual physical definition.

“Bipolar disorder involves periods of excitability (mania) alternating with periods of depression. The disorder results from chemical disturbances in the areas of the brain that regulate mood.”

It sounds simple enough. A chemical imbalance in the brain causes the bipolar sufferer to experience mood swings. Big deal. Everyone has mood swings; we all get depressed. Doesn’t really SOUND too bad; so why all the fuss?

I have bipolar disorder. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.

For the bipolar sufferer, the low swing or "depressive episode" as it's sometimes called isn't just "the blues". I can only speak from my own experience but for me, it starts out that way. Then comes the anxiety. I feel constantly jumpy. Sounds that wouldn’t usually bother me will make me jump like a nervous cat. My temper gets short. I’ll snap at people for no reason. But I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.

Again, everyone gets like this from time to time; it’s normal. Maybe a good night’s sleep or a day off will do the trick. But it doesn’t. I may sleep for 3 hours or I may sleep for 16. Either way, I do not feel rested. Concentrating is extremely difficult. It’s almost like being drunk. The mind feels foggy; I will actually forget the meanings of words. You know that “tip of your tongue” feeling when trying to remember something? I will experience that constantly for days. But I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.

Then it’s time for the place I call “the dark tunnel”. There is no joy in ANYTHING!! Favorite foods have no flavour. Favorite activities are chores. I have had to act during a bipolar low swing and all I can think of is “Let’s get this OVER WITH so I can go home!!” I would rather perform than do anything else in this world but the chemical imbalance in my brain causes me to hate my greatest love.

No one can come into the dark tunnel. I will screw a smile on my face and go through the motions of life. Yes friends and family know that I’m bipolar and I will tell them that I’m on a down swing; but they can’t come into the tunnel. They don’t understand it. They have no chemical imbalance in their brain.

The dark tunnel is nothing but pain. Unceasing pain. We have all experienced loss. Right now, try and remember the most pain that you were ever in. After the death of a loved one, a time when your heart was shattered by a cheating lover. Go to that dark and painful place. That is the beginning of the dark tunnel.

There is however a very important difference between that and the dark tunnel; a source. Many humans have cried “Why did you cheat on me?!” “Why did you die?!” as they experience emotional pain that can be debilitating and profound. But those situations have a source; a concrete cause to explain the effect of the pain.

The bipolar sufferer has no cause to explain the effect. The best that we can come up with is “I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.” So we have to experience a pain that is not only debilitating and profound but also confusing. I and many other bipolar sufferers have self-mutilated our bodies in a vain effort to find that cause and effect. “I am experiencing a pain that I cannot describe or justify. That knife cut on my arm hurts but I know WHY it hurts. THAT pain has nothing to do with a chemical imbalance in my brain.”

The bipolar sufferer also has to hide his/her pain. How can I call in sick and say “I have a chemical imbalance in my brain.”? How can I explain to well meaning friends who ask “what’s wrong?” that I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. There’s nothing stressing me out, nothing has happened, I simply have a chemical imbalance in my brain.

I’m incredibly lucky. My chemical imbalance is manageable. I can tell when a downswing is coming and I can recognize it for what it is. Even though I have planned my suicide a hundred times and cut my arms hundreds more, I KNOW that the dark tunnel ends. I will come out and experience joy again.

If you know someone who is bipolar, you may not understand their pain but you don’t have to. Understand simply that it is real and that they don’t understand it.

They have a chemical imbalance in their brain.